Thursday morning I woke up to finish out my last big day of work before I was officially at a stay at home mom. The stress was so overwhelming as I had only 2 days to wrap up everything I had spent the last 20 months working on. I remember texting DJ saying I was spent. I couldn't do another freaking thing.
Then I started to itch. It started out on my legs. I had just shaved that night so I though it was maybe the soap just irritating my skin. Then it moved to my feet. My arms. My hands. My face. My entire body started to itch. I called my OB (thinking I was having a panic attack or something) and the receptionist put me on hold to get the nurse. I thought that was strange because they always just call me back if I ever have a question. The nurse said, "Yeah...you need to get down here and do some blood work. We'll talk about it when you get here".
Huh?
I called DJ and told him I was heading to the OB and I was going to swing by and pick him up so he could watch Penelope. I threw all of our bags in the car which really pissed me off because it was the millionth time I had done that. We had just the car worked on so they were in the house. :)
By the time I got to the doctor, this itching was getting INSANE. I mean, the inside of my ears and nose were itching like crazy. It was unbearable and I felt like I was going to scratch my face off. I didn't even wait in the waiting area like I normally do...they just had me go back to the room. So weird. Before the nurse even finished taking my blood pressure, my OB walked up and told me we would have to induce. She explained that I had something called Cholestasis and it can be life-threatening for the baby so we needed to get her out ASAP.
If you're like me, you're thinking, "What the crap is Cholestasis?"
Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy is caused by an impairment of bile secretion in the liver. As the bile backs up in the liver, the level of bile acids increases in the bloodstream. These bile acids are deposited in the skin causing the intense itching. Cholesterol, triglyceride, and bilirubin levels are also increased.
The liver of a healthy fetus has a limited ability to remove bile acids from the blood. The fetus normally has to rely on the maternal liver to perform this function. Therefore, the elevated levels of maternal bile cause stress on the fetal liver. Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy increases the risk to the baby of meconium staining during delivery, preterm delivery, and intrauterine death. Women with ICP should be monitored closely, and serious consideration should be given to inducing labor as soon as fetal lung maturity is confirmed.
Of course something that affects 1 in 1000 pregnancies would happen to me. UGH.
I can't tell you how freaking miserable it was. My number one concern was Celie's safety, but the itching was taking over any other thought in my mind.
We finally get checked in and they take me back to room where I delivered Penelope. How awesome is that!? We start Pitocin shortly after that and I begin to labor. Honestly, the contractions weren't at all painful because my mind was occupied. At some point, I decided to get my epidural because I didn't want to run the chance of it being too late. This is the WORST part.
DJ had left the room at this point and the guy told me to lay on my side. I thought that it was strange, but the nurse told me he was the best in the hospital. UMM...what a freaking liar. For the next twenty minutes I endured the worst pain of my entire life. I involuntarily screamed and moaned and wept while this old dude poked around my spine trying to get my epidural in. I could feel everyone's anxiety as it got worse. I kept telling myself it would be over soon, but it was like an eternity! I remember hoping a big contraction would come so it would take my mind off my back. Old dude finally got it right and I started to get numb. THANK GOD. Seriously, if you're delivering at Baptist and the guy walks in and tells you to lay on your side...RUN. Run as fast as you can. :)
The rest of my labor and delivery was pretty awesome. At some point, I called the nurse in and told her I needed to push, but my doctor wasn't there yet. She was stuck in traffic and I was FREAKING OUT. I didn't want to have Celie without her there and Celie was in no mood to wait! :)
Dr. Barrett finally showed up and we delivered our sweet Celie after only 5 minutes of pushing. 6lbs 14 1/2 oz & 19 inches of sweetness.
They sent my placenta to pathology because of the cholestasis and the rest of my time at Baptist was a complete blur.
Fast forward to six weeks later. I go for my follow up appointment and have a million questions about what this cholestasis diagnosis means for our future. You see, once you have cholestasis, you're very likely to get it again with your next pregnancy and it's usually worse.
Dr. Barrett said my placenta had some clotting in it because of the cholestasis and we were lucky that we induced when we did. WOW.
She also said that it would put me in the "high risk" category to get pregnant again. This was such a blow to us as we wanted at least one more biological kiddo. Being told it would be dangerous for you to get pregnant again is unbelievably difficult.
I can swing from grief to guilt in about a half a second. The grief from feeling like I'm mourning the loss of our possible next child that I can't have. The guilt from having two pregnancies that resulted in two healthy girls...how could I be sad when I have what I want?
I am usually okay with the thought of these two girls being the only biological ones we have. Adoption is something we've always considered. I know that, if we adopt, we will welcome that child into our family with the same love we have for Penelope and Celie. I just didn't want the decision to be made for me so cut & dry. I know that many of you reading this can understand. Really, I think about how difficult this pregnancy was and I'm not sure I could do it again. All of the pre-term labor, kidney stones, nausea (which I found out later were all indicators of the cholestasis) and itching were enough to make me never want to do it again.
So there you go. To say that I am thankful that Celie made it here safely is an understatement. I have no words for how that makes me feel. I know that both girls are a gift and I am treasuring their health and presence in our family. I know that God will ultimately decide if we have more children. I've come to the conclusion that I can only trust that our future is not up to us. If we get pregnant again, I will trust that it will be okay. If we don't, I'll just keep trusting.
