Celie's Birth Story and the Questions That Follow

I've been wanting to share Celie's birth story for a while now, but it seems like the words fail me. I have moments where I think about it and the "what if's" flood my brain and I lose my breath. I'll start at the beginning:

Thursday morning I woke up to finish out my last big day of work before I was officially at a stay at home mom. The stress was so overwhelming as I had only 2 days to wrap up everything I had spent the last 20 months working on. I remember texting DJ saying I was spent. I couldn't do another freaking thing.

Then I started to itch. It started out on my legs. I had just shaved that night so I though it was maybe the soap just irritating my skin. Then it moved to my feet. My arms. My hands. My face. My entire body started to itch. I called my OB (thinking I was having a panic attack or something) and the receptionist put me on hold to get the nurse. I thought that was strange because they always just call me back if I ever have a question. The nurse said, "Yeah...you need to get down here and do some blood work. We'll talk about it when you get here".

Huh?

I called DJ and told him I was heading to the OB and I was going to swing by and pick him up so he could watch Penelope. I threw all of our bags in the car which really pissed me off because it was the millionth time I had done that. We had just the car worked on so they were in the house. :)

By the time I got to the doctor, this itching was getting INSANE. I mean, the inside of my ears and nose were itching like crazy. It was unbearable and I felt like I was going to scratch my face off. I didn't even wait in the waiting area like I normally do...they just had me go back to the room. So weird. Before the nurse even finished taking my blood pressure, my OB walked up and told me we would have to induce. She explained that I had something called Cholestasis and it can be life-threatening for the baby so we needed to get her out ASAP.

If you're like me, you're thinking, "What the crap is Cholestasis?"
Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy is caused by an impairment of bile secretion in the liver. As the bile backs up in the liver, the level of bile acids increases in the bloodstream. These bile acids are deposited in the skin causing the intense itching. Cholesterol, triglyceride, and bilirubin levels are also increased.


The liver of a healthy fetus has a limited ability to remove bile acids from the blood. The fetus normally has to rely on the maternal liver to perform this function. Therefore, the elevated levels of maternal bile cause stress on the fetal liver. Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy increases the risk to the baby of meconium staining during delivery, preterm delivery, and intrauterine death. Women with ICP should be monitored closely, and serious consideration should be given to inducing labor as soon as fetal lung maturity is confirmed.


Of course something that affects 1 in 1000 pregnancies would happen to me. UGH.

I can't tell you how freaking miserable it was. My number one concern was Celie's safety, but the itching was taking over any other thought in my mind.

We finally get checked in and they take me back to room where I delivered Penelope. How awesome is that!? We start Pitocin shortly after that and I begin to labor. Honestly, the contractions weren't at all painful because my mind was occupied. At some point, I decided to get my epidural because I didn't want to run the chance of it being too late. This is the WORST part.

DJ had left the room at this point and the guy told me to lay on my side. I thought that it was strange, but the nurse told me he was the best in the hospital. UMM...what a freaking liar. For the next twenty minutes I endured the worst pain of my entire life. I involuntarily screamed and moaned and wept while this old dude poked around my spine trying to get my epidural in. I could feel everyone's anxiety as it got worse. I kept telling myself it would be over soon, but it was like an eternity! I remember hoping a big contraction would come so it would take my mind off my back. Old dude finally got it right and I started to get numb. THANK GOD. Seriously, if you're delivering at Baptist and the guy walks in and tells you to lay on your side...RUN. Run as fast as you can. :)

The rest of my labor and delivery was pretty awesome. At some point, I called the nurse in and told her I needed to push, but my doctor wasn't there yet. She was stuck in traffic and I was FREAKING OUT. I didn't want to have Celie without her there and Celie was in no mood to wait! :)

Dr. Barrett finally showed up and we delivered our sweet Celie after only 5 minutes of pushing. 6lbs 14 1/2 oz & 19 inches of sweetness.

They sent my placenta to pathology because of the cholestasis and the rest of my time at Baptist was a complete blur.

Fast forward to six weeks later. I go for my follow up appointment and have a million questions about what this cholestasis diagnosis means for our future. You see, once you have cholestasis, you're very likely to get it again with your next pregnancy and it's usually worse.

Dr. Barrett said my placenta had some clotting in it because of the cholestasis and we were lucky that we induced when we did. WOW.

She also said that it would put me in the "high risk" category to get pregnant again. This was such a blow to us as we wanted at least one more biological kiddo. Being told it would be dangerous for you to get pregnant again is unbelievably difficult.

I can swing from grief to guilt in about a half a second. The grief from feeling like I'm mourning the loss of our possible next child that I can't have. The guilt from having two pregnancies that resulted in two healthy girls...how could I be sad when I have what I want?

I am usually okay with the thought of these two girls being the only biological ones we have. Adoption is something we've always considered. I know that, if we adopt, we will welcome that child into our family with the same love we have for Penelope and Celie. I just didn't want the decision to be made for me so cut & dry. I know that many of you reading this can understand. Really, I think about how difficult this pregnancy was and I'm not sure I could do it again. All of the pre-term labor, kidney stones, nausea (which I found out later were all indicators of the cholestasis) and itching were enough to make me never want to do it again.

So there you go. To say that I am thankful that Celie made it here safely is an understatement. I have no words for how that makes me feel. I know that both girls are a gift and I am treasuring their health and presence in our family. I know that God will ultimately decide if we have more children. I've come to the conclusion that I can only trust that our future is not up to us. If we get pregnant again, I will trust that it will be okay. If we don't, I'll just keep trusting.

I'm Ready

If this pregnancy is any indication of the little girl we will meet in just a few weeks, we are in trouble! ;)
We've made more trips to the doctor and more trips to the hospital than we ever did with Penelope and I've certainly worried more this time around, too.

Last night, Penelope and I were sitting in the car waiting for DJ to grab something from the store. That's become the new normal for us. I am easily exhausted at this stage of pregnancy, especially when Penelope wants me to hold her and walk around the store. While I was sitting there, something strange happened. Celie frantically kicked and moved for about 5 seconds and then nothing. No movement. I started pushing on my belly, silently begging her to give me some indication that she was okay. Nothing. My mind began to race as I waited for DJ to get back in the car. When he finally got there I said, "I think we need to go to the hospital right now". I called my OB and she immediately called back and said that I needed to get to the nearest hospital. I was already crying when I called her, but the urgency in her voice made me just fall apart right there in the car. I called my mom and could only cry...DJ had to take the phone from me and explain to her what was going on.

I was absolutely terrified. All of the "what if's" flooded my mind and every minute that I didn't feel Celie move felt like a lifetime. DJ had me eat some candy we have in the car for his low blood sugar and I kept pushing around, hoping I would feel something...anything.

That poor lady at the front desk trying to register me in was probably thinking I was a crazy person. I could only cry. She asked, "So, you're feeling lots of movement?" and I could only shake my head no and hold my head in my hands while I began to sob publicly. Poor DJ was absolutely livid at this point because it was taking so long and pretty much yelled, "Can we just get her in a room and I'll take care of this???" Everything moves so slowly when you feel like you just need to be seen at the hospital. 

I can't tell you the relief I felt hearing that little girl's heartbeat. I started to feel a little movement once we got there so I could finally breathe again. After monitoring her for a while, they determined she was not in any distress and she had more than likely moved quickly into a very different position in my belly. Since my placenta is in the front, her new position made it difficult to feel any kicks or movement. The doctor there said Celie was the most perfect 32 week baby she'd seen in a long time. :) I was discharged from the hospital in about 2 hours. Once we left, I had DJ go get me a milkshake because it's the closest thing to a drink when you're preggo. ;) 

Even though I've yet to meet my Celie, I can't imagine my life without her. I don't care how much I've puked, worried, hurt, etc...I need this little girl. I know you fellow moms understand this connection with your baby.

I've felt guilty for wanting to say that I'm done being pregnant. When you say things like that, the comments flood in..."cherish this time with her" "you'll miss it". Trust me, I understand that. I understand that these are our last few weeks with just Penelope. But, I am officially done being pregnant. I am tired of racing to the hospital, crying because it's too soon to even think about delivering a baby. I'm tired of contracting all night. I'm tired of morning sickness in my 3rd trimester. Really, I'm just tired of worrying. At this point, I know it's not something I can 100% control because of these hormones and the fact that I am a momma bear. But, I am TIRED. I will be so thankful to walk into the hospital to deliver her!

I'm ready to hold my girl and know she healthy and safe. I can't wait to meet my troublemaker!

It's Been Crazy

The past few weeks have been nothing short of insane. In fact, it's been so crazy that I haven't wanted to share publicly. I tend to get more anxious if a lot of people are suddenly asking me if everything is okay and I have to continue to update everyone on what's going on.

BUT, I want to have this all written down! So here goes nothing:

A few weeks ago, I started feeling run down and tired. You know, that typical 3rd trimester feeling. Only, this was more intense. I started having lots and lots of contractions so I made a call to my OB. She decided to run a few tests because I was contracting so much and feeling so gross. One of those tests is called a Fetal fibronectin test (fFn). Here's what that is in case you don't know:


When the fFN test is positive, it is an inconclusive result. A positive result can indicate that a woman will go into preterm labor soon, but she may not go into labor for weeks. When the fFN test is negative, the result is a better predictor. A negative result means that there is little possibility of preterm labor within the next 7 to 10 days, and the test can be repeated weekly for women who remain at high risk. A negative fetal fibronectin test gives a more than 95% likelihood of remaining undelivered for the next 2 weeks. A systematic review of the medical literature found that fetal fibronectin is a good predictor of spontaneous preterm birth before cervical dilation. The test may be run on patients between 22 and 35 weeks gestation.

Well, that came back negative. But I did have a kidney infection and quickly went on antibiotics.

Memorial Day weekend, I started having a ton of pain on my right side, right under my rib cage. I called my OB and she advised that I needed to come in and see her when the office opened back up on Tuesday. I went in and she decided to do another fFn test because I was in so much pain and she wanted to be sure I could travel to my brother-in-law's wedding that Saturday. My kidney infection was resisting the antibiotic so they switched me to a different one that looked more like a horse tranquilizer than any human medication. Not only that, but my blood pressure was elevated. Dr. Barrett said it wasn't high enough to worry yet, but we did need to be cautious of it getting any higher. She said it was probably elevated because I was in so much pain. I tried not to panic.

That afternoon, I got a call back from my OB and the fFn came back positive this time. I immediately started to cry. How could this all be happening at 29 weeks!? It was clearly not the news I was expecting to hear. She said I needed to come in the next two days to get steroid shots to develop Celie's lungs in case I did deliver her early. I said, "This may be a stupid question, but does that mean traveling is out of the question?" She said if everything stayed the same (meaning, if I didn't progress in the next two days), I might be okay to go. Once we hung up, I called DJ and broke the news. We talked about what that meant for work...what that meant for us...and then how we could handle of all this. My husband is so amazing and reassuring. I didn't REALLY cry until I called my mom and then I just totally lost it. This was too soon to be worrying about having a baby!

The next day, I went in to get checked and receive that nasty steroid shot. It feels like a punch in your booty that doesn't go away for a good 15-20 min! I didn't even care who saw me rubbing my butt on the way out of the hospital (that's where my doctor's office is located)...that bad boy HURT! Thankfully, I hadn't progressed at all and my blood pressure had come back down. I was so thankful! The pain in my back had moved down a bit so my doctor said that I was more than likely passing a kidney stone. NO FUN. She assured me that it was perfectly safe for Celie so I left feeling like everything was going to be okay, despite what I was about to go through with a stupid kidney stone.

Later that night I was writhing in pain. I just felt like I needed to go to the hospital. I called the after-hours service and my OB wasn't on call. BOO. The doc wanted me to go to Baptist since the fFn came back positive and I was in so much pain. We made arrangements for my mom to come pick up Penelope from the hospital so DJ and I could be together.

I filled in the sweet triage nurse on the happenings of the past week while she hooked me up to the monitors. I told her that I had just been to my OB that afternoon and my cervix was closed. She went to check me and I saw her face change. NOT what you want to happen as I'm sure you know. She said, "You were closed at 1:00? Are you sure?" Umm...of course I'm sure! She told me that she wanted to get a second opinion because I was at least 1cm dilated at that point. My heart sank.

The second nurse came in and confirmed that I was 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. She wanted to call the on-call OB to see what we needed to do from there. I called DJ (he was helping get Penelope transferred over to my mom's car) and told him to hurry up and get in the room...I didn't want to be by myself anymore!!!

DJ and I talked about other things to keep my mind off of what was happening. My back was killing me and there was absolutely nothing on TV...this was miserable!!

The nurse came back about an hour later with a big pill. She explained that my contractions were 15 minutes apart and now they were 7 minutes apart. What!? Contractions??? I didn't even FEEL contractions! She gave me the pill (Procardia) and said it would hopefully stop my labor. DJ and I were exhausted at this point because it was almost midnight and we had already been there so long.  Thankfully, it DID stop labor and I was eventually able to go home. I think we finally got in our bed at 4:30 that morning.

I went in to get my last steroid shot the next day and my OB was pleased with my lack of progression. She said she was cautious, yet optimistic that I would still have a full-term baby. No bed rest ordered. I was THANKFUL. DJ let me take the rest of the weekend to rest up and get my strength back.

We've had one other scare since that night with the pre-term labor, but everything was fine and I was quickly sent home from the hospital.

I can't tell you how loved and supported we felt throughout all this. We didn't make it public, but the people who were praying for us helped us get through it. I felt peace when I should have been panicked. So, to all of you friends and family who were praying, THANK YOU. There are no words for what you mean to me.

I can't help but feel blessed. We have a beautiful family and these past few weeks will be nothing more than a crazy story to share with Celie once she is here. Even though this pregnancy has been difficult for me, I'm thankful for the privilege to be able to carry her. I hope I never take that for granted. 

Where My Head's At

So, this may be completely unrelated to my pregnancy with Celie, but I have to get these thoughts out of my head.

Osama bin Laden is dead.

When I first heard the news, my mind began to race. What does this mean...for my family...for my country...for the world? Then the response from the masses. Many celebrated. Some joked. A few were publicly saddened (many of those people encountered some backlash for feeling that way).

I kept reading and re-reading the posts. Were these posts from my friends? Are people genuinely excited that a man is dead?  I had this sinking feeling of, "I think we've got this all wrong..." or maybe just a feeling that we were made for more than that.

To me, it seems impossible to sum up how I feel about the death of a man in 140 characters or less. I mean, don't you find that strange? You post a status quickly and, in the amount of time it took you to decide what you wanted to say, you forget about it. Only one person has posted something about his death since Monday afternoon. I know some people must regret what they said. In fact, several people deleted what they posted the night before.

I'm not saying I have the answers here. I'm only left with questions. Does God want us to feel like that was justice? Is it right to celebrate or rejoice in the death of a person, no matter what life they decided to live? Do the actions of a person determine how or if we are supposed to love them? What will DJ & I teach Penelope and Celie about justice and love and mercy?

I hope that you are still wrestling with this like me.

The Luckiest

We are quickly approaching the day where Celie will make her debut. I can tell you that my heart is already so full; there is nothing like watching a little one grow inside of you.

Having a baby is one of the most wonderful, difficult, amazing, fulfilling journeys a person can venture through and I can't believe I get to do this all again. I remember so clearly the moment Penelope was born. I saw my husband with new eyes. It was like our honeymoon, but ten thousand times better.

Speaking of my husband, I need to tell you how amazing that man is to me. Here are some of the reasons why he is the best husband the planet:
-He is patient and kind and slow to anger.
-He will run to the grocery store in the middle of the night to get me (I say it's for Celie) ravioli.
-He is amazing with Penelope. He loves her more than I've ever seen a man love his little girl.
-He lets me sleep in.  He will wake up and get Penelope and hang with her in the morning.
-I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but the two times I've ever gotten up to get her out of her crib in the middle of the night, DJ was out of town. Umm...please don't hate me! :) But hey, I did nurse her for a year...that counts for something, right!?!?
-I've only taken out the garbage once in our whole marriage.
-He rubs my feet...every single day. I don't even ask.
-He treats my family well.
-Almost three years of marriage later and I still get butterflies in my stomach every day. 
-He makes me laugh...even when I try so hard not to.
-Let's face it, he is a good-looking man.
-He loves me...with all of my faults.
-He asks the tough questions with me. I've never felt like I'm trying to figure this stuff out by myself. 

I know what you're thinking. "What the crap does she do if he does all that???" I hope that I love him the way he loves me. I hope that I treat Penelope the way he does.

I am so excited to meet the rest of our family. Celie has the most amazing dad and big sister. I can't wait for her to meet them!

Pregnant Life Lately

Wow. I am insanely bad about updating this thing.  Prepare yourself for a lengthy post!

Let's see...I am 23 weeks pregnant now and time is flying by faster than I can comprehend. We are having a baby GIRL! Her name is Celia "Celie" Raye Lipscomb. For those of you who don't know how to pronounce Celia or Celie: Seelyah or Seeleigh (or like Sealy if that makes more sense). ;)

We had our middle name, Raye, set all along. Raye is my grandmother's middle name. I never got to meet her, but I'm thrilled to carry on a part of her with our little Celie. If we had a boy, we would have chosen David as a middle name to honor DJ's dad. Celia just came to us one day. I kept going back to Celie, but saw it more as a nickname. I know you mom's understand, but when you hear your baby's name, you just know. In the same way that my heart quickly knew that DJ would be my husband, in fact!

This pregnancy has been similiar to my pregnancy with Penelope, but there are a few differences:

-I am craving tomatoes. Seriously, I would drink salsa right now if it were socially acceptable.
-My emotions are way more balanced this time around. I've only had a few of those "hormonal moments" where DJ looks at me like, "Who are you and what have you done with my wife?" Hopefully, I can carry on with this stable mood for the rest of my pregnancy.
-My belly is oh so tired from carting my other baby around when we go out. She's a heavy little thing so I'm trying to be more open to letting her walk around whenever we go somewhere.

Monday night, I started having consistent contractions that I had just barely noticed throughout the day. By dinner time I was really noticing them as they were getting more painful. I tried taking a bath, drinking a boat-load of water, but nothing seemed to help. I called my OB and she instructed me to drink 1 more liter of water and rest in a dark room for 1 hour. She said that if they weren't stopping at that point I would need to come to the hospital. At this point, my contractions were 10-20 min apart! Obviously, I was freaking out because I was only 22 weeks pregnant. After about an hour, my contractions eased up and faded away. I want to thank all of you again who prayed for me during that time. I can't tell you what it feels like to have the support of other mamas who have walked this journey before. I'm so glad I don't have to do this alone!

Other than that, this has been a smooth pregnancy. I am still battling with morning sickness, but that is the name of the game for me. I felt like I was going to be sick every single day with Penelope. I'm just keeping my eyes on the prize. My Celia Raye will be here before I know it and I'll forget all about the puking, right? :)

I find myself daydreaming a lot about what my sweet girl will look like. What kind of personality she will have. What Penelope will think of her. I can't wait for the delivery. Other than the kicks, labor and delivery was my FAVORITE part of pregnancy. All of this anticipation and waiting...and then it's finally time. Ahh! I get teary eyed just thinking about it.

I checked into the hospital with Penelope right before noon and had her a little after 5. I only pushed for 10 min with her so my biggest fear is that we won't make it to the hospital in time! Don't they say you deliver faster your second time around??? I'll probably be hovering around Baptist Hospital come August. ;)

Man, I just can't get over how blessed we are to have this family. I am often overwhelmed with gratitude for everything that's been given to us after so much was taken away. In the same way, I have these moments where I picture how David would have interacted with Penelope. Oh man, he would have had a ball with that little girl. I would give anything to have those moments. Sometimes it hits me that he's really gone and I can't help but wonder why this happened to our family.  We miss him so much.

I should probably stop here. I promise I'll update more so these entries aren't so long! :)

This Week With Baby L!

Surely I should be feeling better by now, right!!??!?!

NO. I am still sick. 

Sorry to sound like a drama queen over here. I am just discouraged lately because I have been sick every single day since the beginning of December. At some point it just begins to drag you down. I have tried to stay really positive this time around, but I am ready to feel well again!  Okay, enough whining. :)

DJ and I celebrated Valentine's Day this Saturday by having my mom watch Penelope so we could stay at the Hermitage for the night. It was absolutely perfect. Penelope was an angel the whole time so I didn't worry too much. I probably called way too many times, but everyone was patient with me. :)

It was the first time we had been without Penelope for the night! We needed this pretty bad. It was the most relaxing thing to just watch the Food Network and veg with my husband. I can't tell you how good that was for us. Thanks to my mom for being the best babysitter! She sent pictures of everything they did...Penelope didn't want to leave when we went to pick her up the next day!

Other than that, we are just moving along with this pregnancy. I am so anxious to find out what we're having. We have our girl name picked out (we're not telling anyone this time!), but we are lost on a boy name. I'll find one that I kind of like and DJ hates it. Oh well. I guess if we are having a girl it won't matter! :)